Feel Free To Express Yourself

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… ..so, I took her to a gas station…..

and that’s how the fight started.

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’ And that’s how the fight started.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started.

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started.

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s how the fight started.

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I’d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I’ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.”
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

Home – A – Age Jokes “That’s an excellent essay for someone your age,” said the English teacher. “How about for someone my Mum’s age, Miss?” “Welcome to school, Simon,” said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. “How old are you?” “I’m not old,” said Simon. “I’m nearly new.” Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. “How old are you, ma’am?” asked Fred. “I’m not going to tell you that,” she replied. “But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the
geography teacher told me how old they were.” “Oh well,” said Miss Jones. “I’m the same age as both of them.” The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. “Now remember, boys and girls,” said the science teacher, “you can tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.” Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. “I’m not eating that, Mum!” she said. “It’s five years old.” Grandma: You’ve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred:
Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.

How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That’s right,’ said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven’t an enemy in the
world. They’re all dead.’ `Well, sir,’ said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honor of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.’ The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can’t see why you shouldn’t. You look fit and healthy to me!’

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. ‘Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!’

Wife:’What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’
———— ——— ——— -

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or no.’

———— ——— ——— -
Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?’

Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’

Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?’

Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

———— ——— ——— ———— ——— —–
Stress Reliever Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
———— ——— ———

Son: ‘ Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’

Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
____________ _________ _________ __

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’

‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!’
———— ——— ——— ———— ——— ———
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.

The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’
———— ——— ——— -
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my birth controly body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humor!’

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,’

I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’

The driver says, ‘Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;

perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ‘

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly,

dear — you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?’

The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed

would have been higher.’

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through

clenched teeth, ‘Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’

The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That’s an automatic $75 fine.’

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my

license out of my back pocket.’

The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when

you’re driving.’

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE

SHUT UP??’

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’
(I love this part)
‘Only when he’s drunk.!!’