Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy. “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don’t need brains to be Boss, any asshole will do!

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard he bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons Summary:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Bill & Hillary Clinton are celebrating their 25th Anniversary. All 25 years Bill has kept a large box under his side of the bed. He asked Hillary never to look in his box, and so she obeyed. But, on the morning of their 25th, she couldn’t stand the suspense any longer. She opened the box and there were three empty beer cans and $1800 cash. She closed the box and put it back.

At dinner, she looks to Bill and says, “Bill, I never looked in your box all 25 years, but I had to look today. The suspense was killing me. Though, I`m confused. Why three beer cans and $1800?”

He looks at her a few moments then tells her. “Hillary, every time I was unfaithful to you, I kept an empty beer can.”

Hillary still looks puzzled.” Ok Bill, I know the three times you were unfaithful. I`m hurt but that`s over with, But why $1800?”

Bill says,” Well, every time the box got full, I went to recycling and kept the money.”

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… ..so, I took her to a gas station…..

and that’s how the fight started.

*-*-*-*-*-*

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that’s how the fight started.

*-*-*-*-*-*

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’ And that’s how the fight started.

*-*-*-*-*-*

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’ And that’s how the fight started.

*-*-*-*-*-*

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started.

*-*-*-*-*-*
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’

He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’

‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s how the fight started.

Physical Fitness
THIS HEADQUARTERS REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM.
Everyone here gets enough exercise:
1. Jumping to conclusions;
2. Flying off the handle;
3. Carrying things too far;
4. Dodging responsibilities; and
5. Pushing their luck.

Fighter Pilots
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.
Q: What’s the difference between God and fighter pilots
A: God doesn’t think he’s a fighter pilot.
Q: What’s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet
engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

The General and the shredder….
A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As
he comes out of his office about 8 P.M. he sees the General
standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a
piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the General asks. “My
secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young officer, who turns on the machine,
takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.
“Now,” says the General, “I just need one copy…”

The Unlucky Airman

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule
Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive
to pump out the aircraft’s sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in
arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow
in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and
promised punishment, the Airman responded: “Sir, I have no
stripes, it is 20 below zero, I’m stationed in Greenland, and I
am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to
do to punish me?”

There was this General-in-training, and his superiors were
asking him questions
“What happened on June 6, 1944?”
“We stormed the beach at Normandy, which later became known as
D-Day, sir!”
“What was the turning point of world war 2?”
“Battle of the bulge, sir!”
“What’s is the importance of May 12″ The Man thought and thought
“I don’t know, sir!”
The superior then said “Well, I’ll tell your wife that you
forgot her birthday”

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel
was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the
phone,  told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
“Yes, General, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass
along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.”
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young
enlisted man,
he asked, “What do you want?”
“Nothing important, sir,” the airman replied, “I’m just here to
hook up your telephone.”

Time
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the
control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What
time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon and
120  minutes to “Happy Hour.”

Change
Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.”
Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer!
Now let’s try it again!”
Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “No, SIR!”